I know you'll think these are stupid but, after all, they're meant to be..

		    Deep Thoughts
******************* By Jack Handey ******************


"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone."



"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
 


"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a
hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.' "



"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
face."



"If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet
the most common question people would ask is, 'Can't you make it shoot
farther?'  'No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.' "
 


"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful
rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his
feet. And also, you're drunk."



"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."




"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic."



"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. but then I think, what if I was an ant and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."



"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other."



"I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
some good ideas."



"If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons
(maybe by shoving them down his throat)."



"Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them
'impressions,' and if you got a different 'impression,' so what, can't
we all be brothers?"



"Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."



"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was
thinking about doing that anyway."



"I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and
hand it to him."



"Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words#'mank'
and 'ind.'

"What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is
mankind."



"If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact."



"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back
and forth, wanting that money."



"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet
it makes beer shoot out your nose."



"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,
I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of
honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way."



"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And
I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."



"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in
my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but
it's just eggs hatching."



"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in
the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."
 


"What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing
and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
and after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and
stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to
sleep."



"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it,
and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular
window."



"During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were 'just going down to the corner.'"



"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like
I am now."



"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thin I did was call the
police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started
wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."



"I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle
all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I
had.
It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle
marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint."



"Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any
extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take
that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage
guy."



"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're
talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door."



"If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet
it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading
a magazine."




"Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?"



"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while
you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on
a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell
you."



"One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run
with a wooden stake."



"If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a
good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's
not."



"Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a
dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd
look out your little window and think, 'Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in
that.' "



"Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,
looking through your stuff."



"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a
slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?"



"I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a
fish out of a like, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground,
and the fish pulls a worn out of the ground. Now that's a documentary."



"If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then
suddenly act surprised. 'Wait a minute! I thought we won!' "



"Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for
 yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname 'Fly
Head.' Normally you would think that 'fly Head' would mean a person
who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But
think again. Couldn't it also mean 'having a head like a fly'? I'm
afraid some people might actually think that."



"Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are
losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody
got scared."



"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me
a lot of money.' "



"If you see an animal and you can't tell it it's a skunk or a cat,
here's a good saying to help: 'Black and white, stinks all right. 
Tabby-colored,
likes a fella.' "



"I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,
yahoo!, I'd have all my money back."



"I think a good product would be 'Baby Duck Hat.'  It's a fake  baby
duck, which you strap on top of your head.  Then you go swimming
underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies,  and you join
them.  Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar
like Godzilla.  Man those ducks really take off!  Also Baby Duck Hat is good
for parties."



"If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude.  That's
a common mistake.  You have to let nudity 'happen.' "



"The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the
watering hole and started to drink.  But then he looked around and saw
skulls and bones everywhere. ' Uh-oh,' he thought.  'This watering hole
 is reserved for skeletons.' "




MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to
me.  I remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind
it was -- and drive and drive.

I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees
there.  The smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played.  I remember a bigger, older guy we
called "Dad."  We'd eat some stuff or not and then I think we
went home.

I guess some things never leave you.



IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not
rule out becoming pure energy.



I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel
Prize for paneling.



I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I
ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.

No.  Just kidding.  I just said that to illustrate one of the
human emotions, which is freaking out.  Another emotion is
greed, as when you kill someone for money or something like
that.  Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone
double what he paid for his stupid puppet.



WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future,
don't stick your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a
fossil.



I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the
"Reindeer Effect."  I don't know what it would be, but I think
it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here
is a terrifying example of the Reindeer Effect."



IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.
There's got to be a better way.



I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.



I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a
high rack above the ground.  That way, you could get hit by
meteorites and not even feel it.



I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way.  We shot him, we skinned
him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I
Helped Skin Bob."



I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep
both Dracula and Superman away.



TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the
earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.



MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that it's
two lives connected by a thin strand.

Come on, Marta.  Grow up.



I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more
planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.



MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You
know most of these sports are based on the idea of one group
protecting its territory from invasion by another group."

"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.  Girls are funny.



I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER.  And maybe I don't want to.  Her
spirit was wild, like a wild monkey.  Her beauty was like a
beautiful horse being ridden by a wild monkey.  I forget her
other qualities.



I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best.  We
called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because
sometimes he'd eat one of us.  Later, we found out he was a
bear.



I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the
wheel on the same day.  Then that night, they burned the wheel.



HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake.  Straddle a big
crack in the earth, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!"  and
flap your arms around as if you're going to fall.



SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just
want to throw back my head and gargle.  Just gargle and gargle
and I don't care who hears me because I am beautiful.



IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta
cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland
says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins.  They eat
fish."

Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them!  Man, wise up.



A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of
dynamite.  Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse to
the phone.  "Hear that?" you say.  "That's dynamite, baby."



I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would
always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows."  Then
they would get embarrassed because they remembered they had the
big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.



WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I
have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million
years.  Struggle to become a parrot or something.



THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life.  But now it
was time to hang up the cue.  When he did, all the other cues
came crashing to the floor.

"Sorry," he said with a smile.



WE USED TO LAUGH at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing.
But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he came back with
some whore he picked up in town.



I BET THE MAIN REASON the police keep people away from a plane
crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in
the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they
just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"



IT TAKES A BIG MAN to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at
that man.



AMBITION IS LIKE A FROG sitting on a Venus Flytrap.  The flytrap
can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only
has little tiny plant teeth.  But some other stuff could happen
and it could be like ambition.



I'D RATHER be rich than stupid.



IF YOU WERE a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of
conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I
don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it.  So
sue me."



IF YOU DEFINE cowardice as running away at the first sign of
danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes,
Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.



I BET ONE LEGEND that keeps recurring throughout history, in
every culture, is the story of Popeye.



WHEN YOU GO in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask
is if they ever press charges.



WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES a complete stranger dive into an icy river
to save a solid gold baby?  Maybe we'll never know.



WE TEND TO SCOFF at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we can't
scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what
annoys me.



I THINK SOMEONE SHOULD have had the decency to tell me the
luncheon was free.  To make someone run out with potato salad in
his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call
hospitality.



AS I BIT INTO THE NECTARINE, it had a crisp juiciness about it
that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a
nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!



BETTER NOT TAKE A DOG on the space shuttle, because if he sticks
his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.



SOMETIMES WHEN I FEEL LIKE KILLING SOMEONE, I do a little trick
to calm myself down.  I'll go over to the person's house and ring
the doorbell.  When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but
you know what I've left on the porch?  A jack-o-lantern with a
knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says
"You."  After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
done.



IF YOU'RE A HORSE, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and
then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off
right away.



IF YOU EVER TEACH A YODELING CLASS, probably the hardest thing
is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off.  You
see, we build to that.



IF YOU EVER FALL OFF THE SEARS TOWER, just go real limp, because
maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you
because, hey, free dummy.



I'D LIKE TO SEE A NUDE OPERA, because when they hit those high
notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.



ANYTIME I SEE SOMETHING SCREECH across a room and latch onto
someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I
have to laugh, because what is that thing.



HE WAS A COWBOY, mister, and he loved the land.  He loved it so
much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.  But when he
kissed her, she disintegrated.  Later, at the funeral, when the
preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the
cowboy shot them.  At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be
waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."



CONTRARY TO WHAT MOST PEOPLE SAY, the most dangerous animal in
the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant.
It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and
eating everything they see.



AS WE WERE DRIVING, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks."
Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks."  I told her
she should write in her suggestion to the highway department,
but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of
writing a simple letter!  And I thought I was lazy!



IF YOU SAW two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would
you think liked dolphins the most?  I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?
You'd be wrong, though.  It's Hambone.



LAURIE GOT OFFENDED that I used the word "puke."  But to me,
that's what her dinner tasted like.



I WISH A ROBOT WOULD get elected president.  That way, when he
came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too
bad.



AS THE EVENING SKY FADED from a salmon color to a sort of flint
gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and
how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.



IF YOU'RE A YOUNG MAFIA GANGSTER out on your first date, I bet
it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.



IF YOU GO PARACHUTING, and your parachute doesn't open, and your
friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be
to pretend you were swimming.



I THINK PEOPLE TEND TO FORGET that trees are living creatures.
They're sort of like dogs.  Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with
bark instead of fur.



If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the
courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.



At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be
"Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then
I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at
it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would
probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw
fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.




Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask
for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd
probably be able to get a lot of free games.




If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy
said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started
laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's
right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice."    Then
everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the
soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.




Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.    For instance, let's say you're
an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned
into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just
slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and
say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."




The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive
and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees
there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called
"Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I 
guess some things never leave you.




I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.




When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or
Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it
again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise
for me.




He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room and
people would go, "Who the hell is that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself,
maybe pull out his gun and show it to the person, to kind of impress him (but
not to show off).    Sometimes spying was dirty work. Sometimes he'd kill a
guy, then paint a clown face on his face. Nobody said he had to
do that, but he did it anyway.




I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado
got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."




Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.




If an Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the
dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating
everybody. That Alien!




Many people think that history is a dull subject.  Dull?  Is it "dull" that
Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't
seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a
doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and
waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he
got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that 
dull?




Some folks say it was a miracle. St. Francis suddenly appeared and knocked
the next pitch clean over the fence. Other folks say it was just a lucky
swing.




I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to
spend the time required to really fix up my "pad".




Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney
and the interchangeable parts.




If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through
the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I
think a good name for him would be Carl.




I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to
smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!




Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the
program!




I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making
the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling
and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy
would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."




I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
paneling.




A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten
by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten
feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with
him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start
crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it
was just a joke.




Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt
road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires
popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it
bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.




In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still
others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round.




I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for
about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and
start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd
say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd
say, "Well, that was easy."    Good joke, huh.




I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp.
That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat
him.    How about it, science?




Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is
capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as
you might think.




The prince decided he would learn anger. So he gathered his subjects
together outside his balcony.
"Who would teach me anger?" he said.
"Go to Hell!" somebody yelled.
"Okay, how about algebra?" said the prince.




As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself.
Too tight, as it turned out.
"This is the fourth coat crushing this year", said the sergeant as he
outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.




I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetary,
they found fragments of *human bones*! What kind of barbarians were these
people, anyway?




I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I
believe in a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with
lots of shiny jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the clouds, and He's
about five hundred feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like
"I...AM...GOD!"  He can blow up stuff just by looking at it.  This is my
own, personal idea of God.




Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some
guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is
everybody ready to start now?"




If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels",
because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go,
"What the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the
Prince of Weasels."




I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.




Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each
year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.




I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it,
because do you hide from it or not?




How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow?
It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.




Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually are experts.




Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike.  The  
first is we both like to spread our "stink" around.  The second is we both 
get hit by cars a lot.  The third is stripes.




The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms 
when I thought, "What am I doing?!"




I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about 
how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that 
you mean lengthwise loaves.  Otherwise it makes no sense.




When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume 
that the drinks are free.  Ask, and ask often.




I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I 
like people to do what I say. 




Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know
sensuality if it bite her on the ass.




The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned 
against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.




I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says
something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe
me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!




Like so many others of his generation, Todd had been raised to believe 
he was invulnerable to dynamite.  Todd had some growing up to do, and also 
some blowing up. 




Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar 
with my "fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" slacks, and a big new rubber 
manta-ray helmet. I can't help wondering: Do women want to talk to me for 
myself, or do they just want to get a feel of that nice rubber manta skin?




When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or
pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not,
mmmmmmm, boy.




If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how 
much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for 
granted.




To me, truth is not some vauge, foggy notion.  Truth is real.  And, at 
the same time, unreal.  Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus 
some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'.  This is 
truth, to me.




Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd 
probably be proud to be sprayed by one. 




Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've 
never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely 
and bitter.  Wait.  I'm thinking of a monorail.




A man doesn't automatically get my respect.  He has to get down in the 
dirt and beg for it. 




If you're like me, you probably blame a lot of things on rubber bands. 
If there's bad news in the newspaper, you blame it on the rubber band 
which kept it rolled up.  Or if you get your bank statment, and there's less 
money in your account than you thought you had, you blame it on the rubber 
band that holds the statement and the checks together.  Why do we do that?




Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, 
with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no 
civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I 
think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And 
I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving 
rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a 
bolt.




It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would 
be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.




If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain 
light-heartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the reader we are 
going to have fun with this thing.  




If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the
professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do 
you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.




I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, 
but with a smaller head.  That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but 
they wouldn't eat as much.  




I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any
other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole 
a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the 
police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have 
a lot to learn.




If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy,
throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how
stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real
grenade at them.




Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be 
considered an enemy planet. 




I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside.  I knew what 
was coming.  "You don't have to tell me," I said.  "I'm off the team, 
aren't I?"  "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You 
made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is 
a toy space helmet.  You show up at practice and then either steal the 
ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at 
inappropriate times."  It was all true what he was saying.  And yet, I 
thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees 
something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold.  But that's when 
I felt the handcuffs go on.




One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.




Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it 
clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at 
all the stuff that comes flying out.  




I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.




Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see 
that I forgot to put on my pants.




If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you 
could cover fuses in just one class.  It's just too rich a subject.




When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other 
leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.




If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching 
them is probably a joke that gets old real fast. 




Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious 
old stranger.  He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone 
about the treasure.  I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story.  Some 
of us have a plane to catch, you know."  He stared telling his story, about 
the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too 
long."  But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story 
is getting long."  But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You 
know, that story wasn't too long after all."  I forget what the story was 
about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, 
though. 




It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared 
rabbit.  Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in 
another fight, away from the first fight.




I bet what happened was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on 
the same day.  Then, that night, they burned the wheel. 




I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just 
walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.




If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like 
enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! 




I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is 
it they want to know?




I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was 
going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy 
you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky."  Just then the eclipse would 
start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could 
explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a 
good laugh.




If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, 
don't stop and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because 
that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.